As-Salamu Aleikom. This is Megan Wyatt answering your question
here and at AboutIslam.
So, should you get divorced
or should you try to continue to
get your wife to come live
with you. This is kind of the place that I
feel that you are in. Should you pray istikharah
and continue on to get divorced
or should you try to figure out if you can make it work.
So based on the things that are in your question
you know I had a couple of thoughts.
The first one is,
it doesn't sound like the two of you even had
an opportunity to get to know each
other at all.
You barely live together.
You've spent very little time,
you know, within each other's company.
You said most of your relationship was actually over
the phone
and then you finally had an argument
and then it was.
She does not want to be married to you anymore.
She's gone back to live with her parents
and from this point forward now for over
20 months getting close to two
years,
you guys haven't even talked.
So it's very difficult to ask the question
should you get divorced or not when
you haven't even built a relationship to even
figure out if you guys could possibly even be right
for each other.
So there's a couple ways to take this.
The first one would be,
you know, why drag this out any
longer.
This woman would like to be
free of you.
She would like to be divorced,
she would like to be honourably let go
so that she can continue on
with her life
and then inshallah find a person who she's
excited to be with,
who is right for her
and she can go out and start her life
with someone else.
Doing that also frees you
up then to find the person that you're
excited to be with
and someone that's excited to be
with you.
You can also start your life you know Insha'allah
as a married man
and start a family as well.
Right now you guys are in a gridlock where no
one is happy but no one is free.
So something definitely has to
change, so why drag it out?
If you don't want to be married to her.
You never wanted to be married to her.
You don't see any possible future
with her really that's compelling.
She's not interested in talking to you at all.
It's been almost two years
and you know we're getting closer to two years by the time
you got this right where she's not
even had a conversation
with you,
then let her go.
Let her go,
let yourself go
and both of you inshallah can move on.
Now the other side of this is even though you've
told the story where you said that you didn't
want to get married to her
and your mother kind of pushed you
and forced you know those things,
you know, the fact of the matter is you've still made
the decision to go out
and get married.
No one can force you really to do
anything, right?
Someone can put pressure on you
but no one can actually force you
to say yes
and to go through the marriage process.
That's something you have to take responsibility for
that you did do on your own.
You are accountable for this marriage,
you are accountable for this woman,
you're accountable in front of Allah (swt).
You can't blame your mother.
So taking responsibility,
you do have the option of asking yourself:
Did you to even have a chance to get
to know each other in any way to see if it's
even possible that you two
would get along or have chemistry.
It's almost impossible I would say
unless you have two people who are really
excited to marry each other
and really liked each other
and had feelings for each other,
then maybe a long distance relationship
for a period of time over the phone
or the Internet and things like that is possible.
But if you haven't even had the opportunity
to spend time with each other for that to happen,
then that long distance relationship
is going to break the relationship
because there's nothing that's going to draw you two together
to be able to talk.
You don't even know each other.
So you're apart,
you're not spending time together
and now it's also been 20 months.
So what I would suggest is that
rather than going around in your head figuring out
what to do,
you actually have a proper conversation
with your wife and tell her,
Listen we have not talked in 20
months. It is not fair to you it's
not fair to me for us to stay in this situation.
I want to do what's best.
So, option A: If you would like to be
released from this relationship,
I'll release you
fee sabilillah. You do it with ease
and with honor and
with it in a dignified manner for her
and for her family.
And then if on the other hand you want
to have an opportunity,
a chance that by chance
we may actually be right
for each other if we actually spend some time together,
then we need to have a conversation about some sacrifices
and compromises whether that's,
you know, you getting a job close to where
she is at
or her moving to where you are at.
You know, you guys finding a completely different plan
altogether from where you would work
and where she would live.
Put the options on the table.
She's not a child,
she is a full grown adult,
you can talk to her.
You know, you can let her know what's going on
and give her the opportunity to make that decision
and then from there once the two of you have spoken
then you can have a conversation
with the families.
Right now you're not honouring her family
and you're also not honoring your family.
So I hope that
with this you can make a formal
decision, again,
to either go ahead
and let her go honorably in a dignified manner
or have a conversation
with her. My preference is to have a conversation
with her first if she's willing just
that you guys are both on the same page,
just so that you guys are both clear
about why you're making this decision.
Inshallah, there is no hard
feelings and you guys can both go in peace.
But if she's like "I don't want to talk to you,
I have nothing to say, please no let me out
of your life",
then do that Insha'Allah in the best way.
May Allah (swt) reward
you both and give you both that which
is best for your dunya and akhirah
and inshallah for your relationship.
Assalamu Aleikom.
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