- Well, hello, hello, my friend!
Cheers, and welcome to today's edition
of Coffee with Kelly, where we're talking
all things Christmas gift giving sanity.
'Cause it can drive you a little nuts, can't it,
when your relatives maybe ask for a specific list
of gifts for the kids, and then they don't end up
buying any of it.
Or maybe you're not sure how many gifts to buy.
Or maybe your kids are acting a little bit ungrateful?
How to deal in the moment, or how to manage
kids' expectations, we're covering it all,
so grab your coffee, and we'll get right to it!
(upbeat music)
Okay, so kicking things off, our first question
comes from Lisa via YouTube, and she asks,
"How do I start the conversation with relatives
"that mean well, but ask for a list of gift ideas,
"and then go and purchase something else?"
Woo-hoo, Lisa, I think you hit on a little bit
of a hot topic there, because I have gotten this question
from several other people, the struggle is real!
And in answering it, I'd have to ask, I guess,
I know it's annoying when people go to answer a question
and just ask more questions, but,
what is the real issue, what's really getting
your goat here?
Is it that your kids are really wanting something
and they're disappointed?
Are your kids feeling like, grandma, or Aunt Sandra,
isn't really paying attention to their interests
or what they're looking for?
Do they feel like they're not special,
do they feel like there's not much thought
going into the gift?
Or is it something more on your end?
Are the kids totally fine with
what the relatives are getting them,
but you're feeling upset,
are you feeling like maybe you're being overshadowed?
Or are you feeling like they're spending too much money,
or do you feel like they're spoiling their kids,
there is a two-parter, actually, to Lisa's question,
where, you're trying to cut back,
you're trying to go a little bit more minimalist,
but then the relatives are still going overboard
on the gifts.
So first, I would try to get really real with yourself,
as to what's actually bothering you, and then go from there.
So whatever it was from that list of,
all the list of reasons we can get upset about gift-giving,
and they're all real, they're all real,
I've had so many questions surrounding this.
The key, then, is just to have a convo.
Have a really direct, open conversation.
And I know that's hard, I'm not trying to sweep that
under the rug, that can be challenging sometimes,
but sometimes I think we can feel like,
if we're going against what someone else wants,
or we have a different opinion on something,
that we're somehow being mean,
or we're somehow hurting someone's feelings,
and I really don't believe it has to be like that,
because, I think there's a lot to be said for being clear,
and setting boundaries, because if the roles were reversed,
and I was doing something that was pissing off
one of my relatives, or hurting someone's feelings,
or someone thought that I was out of line,
I would wanna know about it,
I would absolutely wanna know about it.
I know it's not like that in all cases, of course,
there's all kinds of different family dynamics,
but don't be afraid to have a really open conversation
with them about the issue, and about what's going on.
Another really important thing, I think too,
is to give our relatives a heads up.
If there is one really special gift our kids are wanting,
and when we're kind of, I don't even know
what the right word is, but like, divvying up,
like who's gonna get what,
give them a heads up that your child
is really, really looking forward to that gift,
and that if they're not going to get it,
to give you a heads up, so you know.
So that there's no disappointment on Christmas morning.
So just give them a heads up,
if it is a particularly special gift,
if it is something the child is really, really wanting --
it's totally fine if they wanna get something else,
but just to let you know. That way,
everybody's on the same page.
And this is a tricky one too, 'cause sometimes,
sometimes you do all of that, Lisa, right,
like sometimes, you have a really open conversation
with them about trying to cut back,
and trying to go a little bit more minimalist,
or you're upset about, I'm not saying this is you,
but I know this is the case for other people,
being overshadowed. It's like,
have you seen the movie Four Christmases?
Where everyone's kinda cut back on gifts,
has a $10 gift, and then the aunt and uncle come in
and buy the kids an Xbox?
Hello, hurt feelings right there.
So sometimes, you can do all that,
you can have all the conversations,
and there's still some disappointment, and it falls flat.
And sometimes, that's just how it goes, unfortunately.
All you can do is do your best, be open,
and then, you can use that even
as a lesson in gratitude for your kids.
As in, "I know you were really looking forward to this,
but grandma really wanted to get you this,
and she put a lot of effort into getting that for you."
And talking about things that way.
But I'm always about putting the relationship first, right?
Because really, in the end, a gift is a gift.
It's really about the relationship,
and that's what the holidays are all about. So,
I hope that helps! I know, it's tricky, it's tricky!
I don't wanna minimize it, but just give it a try,
and see what happens, have those conversations.
First get really real about what's bugging you,
and then have a conversation, and don't be afraid
to be really clear, get that little bit of gusto,
and you'll be good to go.
And along that similar theme, our next question
comes from Nakia and Ben, and these are actually
high school students, isn't this cool?
I had some questions submitted from Clarksdale, Mississippi,
Coahoma County High School, I really hope
I'm saying that right, and I'm sorry if I'm not,
but this next question is from Nakia and Ben,
and they ask, "What would be a good number
"of presents for my kids?" and the second question,
"How do I stick to buying gifts
"that are age and price appropriate?"
And for me, when it comes to an appropriate number of gifts,
I feel like that's completely individual,
and I really don't feel like it's my place to say
what the appropriate number of gifts are,
but it's something just to take note of,
when you see your kids opening your gifts,
and when you see your kids starting to lose interest.
My husband and I had a massive wake-up call
in this department, when our kids were probably,
they were probably two and three,
the first Christmas we really noticed
that we had gone overboard, because our kids,
they just wanted to play with their stockings,
we weren't even finished their stockings,
and it was time to move on to opening their real gifts,
and they had no interest. They just wanted to play
with what was in their stockings.
So if that's happening for you,
as soon as that point when your kids are losing interest,
or when they're not actually focusing
on what they're getting, and enjoying it in the moment
and having gratitude for what they got,
but are just on to like, "Okay, I want the next gift,
what's the next gift?"
When it becomes a process of opening and unwrapping
as fast as they can, just kinda take note of that for you.
So while that's something I can't say
what the right or magical amount is,
I kind of lean on the less is more.
But again, it's totally up to you.
Because then that way, your kids can really develop
an appreciation for what they have,
and be thankful for what they have,
and really focus on what they've got,
rather than being buried in a pile of toys,
and not really knowing how to crawl out of it, right?
It's hard, it's hard, the struggle is real.
And this kind of also ties in with another question I got
from Sunshine, who sent me a question via email,
and her question was, "How can I convince my kids,
who are three and six, to be happy with only one big gift?"
This is a big one, right?
Like, managing expectations, and wanting our kids
to feel happy and thankful on Christmas morning,
and not feel like they've been,
I don't think shortchanged is the right word,
but have them be ungrateful for what they've gotten.
And one thing that I think we can do as parents
that I think often gets overlooked,
is involve our kids in the gift-buying process.
Like, how many of you out there,
just go and take care of it all, right?
You do all of the shopping for everything,
and don't really involve, necessarily,
your partner or the kids in any of it,
you're making the list, you're doing the shopping,
you're wrapping, you're setting everything up.
It's hard to be grateful for something
when you don't have an understanding
of the process of what goes into it.
So my challenge for you would be to start involving,
and everyone, for all of us,
start involving your kids in the gift-buying process,
so they can see what's involved,
they can see all the hard work,
and all the thought that goes into buying gifts,
and it's not just as easy,
as, "Oh wow, look at this, my favorite GI Joe,
on to the next thing."
Because then they'll have an understanding
of what's going into it.
So sit down with your kids, and make your list,
and have them brainstorm, "What would be a good gift
"for grandma, what do you think your uncle would like,
"how about your cousin, what do you think he would like,
"what about dad," make those lists, take them shopping,
I'm not suggesting that you do all of your shopping
with your kids, of course, I'm not trying to send you off
the deep end completely, but some of it.
So that they have an idea of what it's like
to go to the store, what it's like to go to the store
when you go and maybe, what you wanted to buy
is out of stock, what that's like.
Then involve them in wrapping the presents,
have them involved in remembering to take the gifts
to the party, right?
Sometimes that's half the bottle,
just remembering to put it in the car!
So then that way, they have an appreciation
of everything that goes into buying the gifts,
because sometimes I think we can have these expectations
of our kids, and we want them to be grateful,
but we don't actually include them in the process
of seeing what goes into it,
so that they can really develop an appreciation.
So often, we just kind of hand it on a silver platter,
and then expect that our kids are gonna have
those deep feelings of gratitude.
So involve them, include them, and I think that'll go
a long way, in helping build that sense of gratitude.
And then, Ben, with your question,
just regarding age-appropriate gifts,
if you find your kids are getting gifts from relatives
or family or whoever, and it's either not age-appropriate,
or it's just not appropriate at all,
it's still a really good lesson
in showing gratitude and appreciation to the giver.
You can set it aside, or if there's a gift receipt,
by all means, exchange it.
And if it's something really inappropriate,
if it's something that, the first thing for me
that comes to mind is guns, I know a lot of people
have really strong opinions on guns,
if it's something like that, where you don't want it
in your house, just a really open conversation.
It doesn't have to be like right there
under the tree on Christmas morning,
but just, I am all about open communication,
honesty's the best policy.
It doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it, right?
But just keeping things open, keeping things open,
it goes a long way.
Okay, and our next question is tied in again
with the theme of gratitude, and it comes from JanNise.
"What should I do if my child doesn't want their gift?"
Ugh, I know, who's been there? (raises hand)
It's hard, it's hard enough when it's just you
and your family on Christmas morning,
but then add in your child doing that,
or expressing their displeasure with what they got
at a family function, and it can make
your blood pressure go up, right?
It can be a real challenge.
So the first thing with this, I think is just
giving yourself a little reality check,
because so often, we hold these crazy expectations
for our kids, that they should always say the right thing
and do the right thing, and always be grateful,
but it is hard, it is hard when you are expecting something,
it's hard enough for us as adults, right?
To, I don't wanna say disguise our disappointment,
but it can be hard to be grateful in those moments
where your expectations were maybe out of line with reality.
So just kind of reality check that,
and have a little bit of compassion for your kids, that,
okay, heck, if it's hard enough for me
to show gratitude sometimes, no wonder
it's a challenge for them.
And of course, avoid, I say avoid,
and this is so hard, because for many of us,
myself included, it's our knee-jerk reaction to say,
"You should be grateful, you should be thankful,"
going all negative on our kids.
That is not going to create warm and fuzzy feelings
in anyone, it's just gonna make our kids
want to run in the other direction.
So I know it's hard, but try to zip it,
and avoid those knee-jerk reactions.
And then what you can do instead is practice,
and coach them ahead of time.
And I talk about this all the time,
practice and coaching our kids in these situations,
because again, I think oftentimes our kids
are in these situations, that they've had
no experience with, or no guidance with,
and we just magically expect they're gonna know what to do.
So one thing you can practice is just role playing
gift giving and gift receiving.
Role playing how to say thank you.
Role playing, "Oh my gosh, I just unwrapped
"this stuffed pineapple that I didn't want,
"how am I gonna respond?"
So your kids have a chance to practice,
and then, because it's really not
until you start going through the motions,
that your kids can see when it's gonna be a challenge,
and you can see when your kids are gonna be stumbling,
and then you can give them some alternatives
of things to try instead. So that they go
into these family situations, feeling ready,
and feeling prepared.
And sometimes, you will do all of those things,
you will practice, you will role play,
you will coach them through all these different situations,
trying to set them up for success,
and they will still be incredibly rude in the moment,
and hurt somebody's feelings.
And that is so hard, that is so hard.
So in those moments, one thing that I like to try and do
is just model gratitude, and model respect.
So I myself will thank the person for the gift,
because we can tell our kids to do things
umpteen million times, but there's really nothing
speaks louder than actions, and having that model.
And then of course, speaking to our kids after the fact,
about, "You know what, when you said that,
"it really hurt your uncle's feelings,
"he worked really hard at getting that gift."
Just having that open conversation with them
so they can see that there were hurt feelings,
and they can see that you don't always have to love
everything, and just appreciating the thoughtfulness
that went into it. Because I think sometimes
it's so easy, heck, for us adults as well,
to get wrapped up in the actual contents of the gift,
when that's really not what it's about, right?
It's about thinking of someone else,
showing our love for someone else,
putting a little bit of time and effort into
getting something that we think they would like,
that's what it's about, not the end product,
so teaching our kids, behind the scenes, of course,
I'm not suggesting you do this, again,
underneath the Christmas tree,
but talk to them after the fact,
and then maybe they could write a note, or give a call,
apologize, say thank you. I feel like,
so much of the stress that we face as parents,
and so many of those, like,
what the fricking heck is happening in this moment,
it's not about what's happening in the moment,
it's about how we handle it,
and how we deal with it after the fact. So,
give it a try, coach them through it.
But if, hey, if all hell breaks loose,
it's always a great opportunity
to clean things up afterwards.
And by cleaning things up, I mean clean things up
*with* our kids, not doing it for them.
Helping them and coaching them,
and walking through the process of what that's like.
Alright, and our last question comes from J'Brianna,
and she asked, "What would you do if your kids expected
"more than what you gave them?"
Oh goodness, is this ever a hard one,
and this does not just apply to the holidays.
This can apply to going to the drive-through,
this can apply to candy machines after hockey.
This is such a good question,
dealing with our kids' expectations.
And first and foremost, the biggest thing is,
I don't know if standing your ground is the right word,
but, resisting the temptation to give in, and give more.
Give more, do more, be more, because that really is just
teaching our kids that, "You know what,
"we complain, we get more."
It doesn't really teach them to deal with what they've got,
and have gratitude for what they've got. So really,
if you have a set number of gifts that you're gonna get,
or whatever the limit or boundary it is,
I really encourage you to stick to it.
And it's also a really good opportunity
if you find that this is happening a lot with your kids,
if your kids are disappointed
in the number of gifts that they got,
or they had all these big expectations,
you feel like they're developing that sense of entitlement,
just reality check yourself, and just look at,
if you're spoiling your kids or not.
Are you giving them every single thing
that they're asking for?
And I know we can think of this in terms of gift giving,
receiving, but sometimes, I know for me,
it was a big a-ha moment when I realized
every time I went through the drive-through,
I would get my kids a Timbit, or I would get my,
a Timbit is a very Canadian word,
so for anyone watching outside of Canada,
like little mini donut holes,
or every time after hockey practice, getting a candy.
Our kids sometimes need to practice
the act of not getting.
So they know that it's not just,
"I ask for something, and I get it,"
so that's something to just practice all year-round,
the act of not getting.
So if they're used to always getting that treat,
or always getting something at the grocery store
checkout aisle, start the process
of not making it an every time kind of thing,
because that's what creates expectations,
and a sense of entitlement,
and we can't really blame them
if we have been handing everything over on a silver platter.
So just practice the art of not getting,
not giving in to everything, so our kids
have a chance to deal with disappointment,
because it really is a life skill.
I actually think it's a massive life skill,
developing a sense of resilience, a sense of,
it feels funny saying like, a sense of grit,
and not dealing with getting candy,
but sometimes, it is a pretty tough pill to swallow,
if you want something. And it won't always be easy,
they'll probably be pretty vocal about it,
but sometimes standing your ground
is the best thing you can do for your kids.
So guys, I really hope that helps,
I know Christmas gift giving, and holiday gift giving,
can be like a massive minefield,
it can be a real challenge for such a variety
of different reasons, so just try to involve your kids
in the gift giving and receiving process,
to help them develop that sense of gratitude,
coach them through the process of gift giving
and gift receiving, so they know how to say thank you,
they know how to deal, when maybe they got something
they didn't like, and then also work on broadening
your kids' worldview, so they can see that,
you know what, not everybody has a mountain
of presents on Christmas morning.
And just to be thankful, just to be thankful
for what they've got, and to not be afraid to cut back
on the number of gifts, because hey, less is more.
The more we can teach our kids to appreciate
what we've got, the better.
Like, is there really any better gift for our kids
to learn that?
To learn that lesson from an early age,
so I hope that helps, of course,
if you have any questions, comments,
join the conversation below.
I always, always love hearing from you!
Happy holidays, and I'll see you in the next video!
(upbeat music)
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