so how do we make a relationship work what kind of a crazy question is this
this is our Daily Awesome podcast and Men this is a podcast about men's
development men's excellence where we talk about all sorts of crazy stuff like
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it is the 8th of November 2017 and we are on a men's development excellence
call in fact I'll stand corrected we're on at TSL online call and the men's
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in those you got to sign up for TSL Online or md excellence and if you're a guy
that wasn't better yourself I'd recommend it so let's get into the meat
of all this now that we're done with that and let's dive into it because this
is a huge question and it's coming from so many different perspectives what's
very important is that we have a dialogue about this so the guy that
asked this question is he's fairly young he's 24 or 25 I forget the exact age but
got a lot going in his life has great dating skills is able to meet women and
be sexual and so on and so in that context it's a certain type of question
but let's say you're 30 and you're asking that question let's say you're 40
let's say your dating skills aren't great and you're 28 so there's all sorts
of different variables that come in it and one of the things I ask people to
start with is a definition now rule number one is your definitions about
what you want in your life are bullshit they're most likely not going to happen
but the reason why we need to look at them is for a couple of reasons number
one self responsibility all right so we're looking at ourselves to guide us
we're accepting our problems our wants our desires and our directions to move
into very very big I mean this is this is
paramount in at all however we see this so much in the dating world so if
anybody's on an online dating app you see well I don't want to you know just
be used I don't want to have this and that I got out of a relationship here's
what I wanted a relationship here's the type of guy I'm looking for here's the
type of girl I'm looking for there's this endless checklist of different
things that we think we want and the fact of the matter is is what we end up
dating that the relationships that we end up having are never that and I could
say this for myself because my amazing wife you know I wanted I know what I
want I knew exactly what I wanted I knew all of that stuff but guess what it
never amounted into the picture of exactly what she is it was very
different than what she is now that doesn't mean I'm unhappy that doesn't
mean anything it just means that when we don't have a relationship it's very hard
to have a definition so we create a definition so that we can one have
personal responsibility of our desires our wants and so on and when we
encounter problems we solve them ourselves but also it's a starting place
for us to know the direction to go in so very very important is to go like hey
what do you want so my man you know who's very good with women and he's
about 24 years old you know he's looking at like man I don't know what I want but
I know I have this urge and this feeling towards it so here's the other
interesting and amazing thing about it so when it comes down to dating
relationships sex all these different things as soon as we start to have our
emotions involved in somebody as soon as we have our sex involved with somebody
as soon as that desire builds guess what happens we stop having a choice we stop
having this this idea of controlling things we just want to experience so our
hearts open up is an open field our minds open up is an open field
our sex opens up as an open field and it just says go go go it's easy to fall in
love it's easy to to feel good about something and if you're not having those
experiences for instance if you're dating a lot and you haven't really
hooked a girl or fallen into a relationship or have these
have them have these experiences that a lot of these people talk about well
there's two things that you're having trouble with and that's not exactly what
this podcast is about but I'll include a playlist where you could learn about
those things and that would be a modem so your connection isn't strong with
your emotions and sharing in exchange having that empathy or your seduction
your seduction is not connecting okay and if you have those two things in over
in order you're going to naturally connect with people all right into a
point where you hit that open field you know love and sex become this natural
phenomenon so let's talk about this natural phenomenon and then we'll get to
the overall answer of you know what do we do when we really want a relationship
to happen you know how do we make a relationship work so the thing is is
that when we have these feelings and we need to we need to talk about this as
men this is huge guys you need to realize this is going to happen when
your heart opens up when your sex opens up with a woman you feel the feelings of
monogamy monogamy is a phenomenon right so monogamy is a social definition for
how we have relationships and there's all these arguments of is this good or
is this bad and so on and I've been in monogamous relationship for a while now
but the thing is is yeah it's also unnatural and whatever but here's what's
natural about it let's take away all the social definitions and all the kudos
should of what does if you were sexually active of somebody if you're having an
emotional exchange with somebody there's going to be a point where she wants full
commitment from you she feels that it's not even making a commitment there's no
definition yet there's just this overwhelming feeling that a woman is
gonna have when that happens that's like oh my god I need this man this man needs
to be here that wears my security of this I want this I just I'd get so
jealous if somebody else was around this is feeling that saying that and there's
this feeling that comes across with a man that could have some of those
characteristics involved in it but also this feeling of a man saying man I want
to do everything for this woman like I am good I like I would have her for the
rest of my life I I want this this is beautiful I'm gonna do everything for
let's go on a trip let's do blah blah blah blah blah all this stuff that you
know what we hear in a lot of the man culture which is like you know where
we see all these men looking searching for definitions of themselves not
because we don't have that but this is one of those things where from the hurt
man culture they go that's weakness that's how you get hurt and so on it's a
natural feeling all right it's a natural feeling and you got to acknowledge that
first if you deny it it's gonna be imprisoned and fight fight fight to get
out so you're gonna have a feeling of what we'll call socially monogamy but
remember it's a feeling first the woman has her feelings of like I want this guy
can't be with anybody else and then there's this dude with his feelings
going like I want this girl she can't be with any anybody else they have
different characteristics and flavors of one another then through life and
cultures and so on and you know different types and styles of
relationships you know we then call that monogamy so you're gonna feel that and
it's gonna be awesome so when you feel that and you want to to continue on with
it you then make a commitment now here's what's gonna make your relationship work
is your alignment to that commitment here's the thing guys you're gonna feel
that commitment you're gonna have the desire to make it you're gonna overcome
it you're gonna commit to shit which you
don't know about because one you may not be familiar with the phenomenon of love
and your experience with that but more importantly you don't really know her
you know her on the 4-month her the 2-month her the few good weeks of good
sex her those types of things and she knows you in that way so you guys don't
fully know each other yet but you make a commitment now you can be wrong about
that commitment you just have to learn to communicate out of it but in that
commitment and I don't mean this in some old-fashioned way that commitment is an
attempt to fulfill that feeling that you wanted remember that feeling that that
turns into that definition of monogamy if I want to give myself to her I want
to do everything for her well guess what you know you stop having sex fuel your
relationship you stop having the novelty of new experiences fuel your
relationship you stop having or you start having arguments you start having
things which piss you off about her you know she doesn't you know do certain
things that maybe another girl should or would
whatever and you start losing that momentum right and it starts getting a
little bit boring and guess what you're probably getting a
little bit boring to her or unknowing to her but where does that commitment stand
when you made that commitment in that choice just as a personal thing again
don't think of this as like this old-fashioned like get in line with your
commitments in it and it can translate to that but I want you to think of it in
this way that commitment is going hey I had a value and I had a feeling that I
felt that was real and it made me decide this and remember that checklist of that
personal definition of what we wanted what was the main reason the main reason
was personal responsibility so ownership of self knowing that you made a
definition of what you wanted to go for and as I said for me man I fucking know
what I want but what did I get something totally different that I was absolutely
happy with all right but in all of that my commitment the same thing it's just
as blind is that want but my commitment may want to continue is that part of
myself that wanted to dedicate my life to her or so on and these types of
things right which now is you know conflicted with these annoying things
these other problems these things in a relationship that we have that that you
know fuck us up and so on and and whatever you know is that still there
and that's a hard thing to determine that's why you need a men's group man
that's why you need to bounce stuff off other guys who know you and can can hold
you to account ability not accountability like did you get your
goal done but the accountability of actually going like hey man I know what
you're capable of I know your potential and are you living up to it so in that
man like can we find the commitment to that you know can we find the the
accountability of ourselves and the man that shows like hey I want to dedicate
the cell myself to this because I believe in me and I believe in love and
I believe I wanted to do this but perhaps it's that I wanted to see if I
could do this in my life perhaps I wanted to see if I was capable of this
type of relationship perhaps I was capable of deciding whether or not you
know man this girl could live up to whatever and that is far more important
than your annoyance if let's put it this way if you ever so many people break up
with women for stupid reasons for or women break up with men either way
oh man I didn't like him oh we had this fight oh we had this dramatic thing oh
he's an asshole oh the sex was bad oh the blah blah blah and we go through
this checklist which probably wasn't true and we're not being real with
ourselves anytime I hear somebody complaining to me about a breakup and
they're like they want to blame the other person in any sort of way you're
lying to yourself you're taking your responsibility out of it that's not the
real reason why you broke up that's not the total picture that's the one thing
that you could flag that makes you look good or whatever it is but the thing is
is that I hate this we need to break up with somebody because we make a choice
that this wasn't the right person all right and so that's why we need to
cultivate this to make a relationship work you need to get in touch with the
commitment that you had when you felt the feeling of monogamy when you felt
the feeling of you wanted to dedicate your life to somebody because I'll tell
you this man five six years down the road where I'm at I don't have that
feeling anymore I don't have that feeling don't like oh my gosh
Maria is is this woman that I just want to do everything for but the commitment
that I made in it has elements of that so take out the novelty trick take out
the crazy like sex six times a day which would like to do them fuck the fucking
crazy man I'm pretty sexual person but this was beyond beyond man that's that's
that's one thing that really solidified the beginnings of that relationship but
take all of that out of it take all of the highlights take all of the things of
going that oh my god this is so amazing and what do we have it's so much more
it's actually so much more but if I just cave to the annoyance the little fights
the times when we do have misinterpretations or bad sex or things
that don't communicate with each other or the times where we crossed each other
in whatever ways if we if we did not align with our commitment
of who we you are in the person that we believed we could be in the road that we
wanted to walk down on if we didn't align with that and then keep that in
check yeah we deject in the fact of the matter is is what I want from all people
whether you're learning to talk to people where you're going into a
business interview you're learning to talk to women for the first time or
you're actually you know having relationships
I want you making a choice I don't want you making a reaction all right because
the reaction doesn't accept responsibility of self and it causes
conflict and disconnect where it doesn't need to be we're so afraid of being
judged that we don't show our real selves and you know then we just react
towards one another so we need to fuel our relationships by choice and we can
decide this isn't working out for us so just know guys we're gonna have this
feelings overwhelming feeling to commit to somebody we're gonna want that that's
gonna run out you know that's gonna change it's not a question of this
monogamy or polyamory or swinging or whatever the fuck it is or you know
going you know signing off women forever or whatever is the the answer it's more
that there's different phases in your life that you're gonna feel you need to
learn to articulate them that being said you know if we feel that it's not the
right thing we also need to learn to break up properly cuz that's tough too
you know that's a lot of pain sometimes you don't want to feel that sometimes we
need to react and masks our masks ourselves and be a total asshole to make
that happen we don't want to have relationships and breakups like that we
want ones where we're fluid in ourselves and it's a very confusing thing why you
need a men's group in any case this is what we're talking about tonight on a
daily awesome podcast and what we're gonna be talking about more and more and
more and more and we're gonna go on it's early on it's only 8:50 this call is
probably gonna go to a 1 a.m. and man it's an amazing experience guys from all
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your life better men's development excellence is the way
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could more than you can imagine any case that's all there for you and guys I also
put up some suggestive videos for you to watch check those out when you're
subscribing to the channel those will help you get an understanding of
relationships dating sex and the different confusion in that and the ways
we can communicate to be better people all right we'll talk to you guys later
tonight ciao
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