- When I got a divorce I really struggled
with my identity of not being a wife anymore.
And I really had to shift in the realization
that I still am a family even if I don't have a spouse.
For more infomation >> Finding your identity after divorce (short) - Duration: 0:16.-------------------------------------------
Divorce help: Building a support network (short) - Duration: 0:16.
- I spent $150,000 on attorney's fees.
And that's insane!
The cost, it builds,
and if it gets dragged on for years,
like ours did, it adds up.
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Finding your identity after divorce | TIAA - Duration: 2:54.
- When I got a divorce,
I really struggled with my identity
of not being a wife anymore.
Because that was so tied into all of it.
I really had to shift in the realization
that I still am a family
even if I don't have a spouse.
- My emotional state is getting much better.
There are stages that you go through.
You go through a grieving period,
then you go through an anger period
and I think I'm starting to come out of that
at this point.
- When you're leaving someone or when a relationship
is breaking up, you're losing your sense of identity.
And once you realize that this isn't working out,
you need to find your footing
and you need to find out who you are
and what you need to do that's right for you.
- One thing that I hope that my daughters learn
from my divorce is the importance
of always having a backup plan
and never assuming that someone else
can take care of you completely financially.
- That money, no matter how small
or how large, that when things go south
you can get up and say you know what?
The food on my table doesn't depend on you
and I can walk out that door and I'll be okay.
- I'm focused right now on, as a freelancer,
trying to get as much income as I can,
as much steady income as I can.
- I was able to take my daughter to South Africa
to fulfill her dream of cage diving
with great white sharks.
I took her to Romania for Mother's Day last year
and that's all because of what I've been able to do
with my lifestyle blog.
- I know that I can do it on my own.
It's hard, I'm tired
but my confidence as a mom
and as an independent woman
is really high and I hope that my kids are seeing that too.
- I basically want to inspire people
to get the joy out of life.
Whether it be cooking dinner with your daughter
or going to the beach
and spending a day reading the book
you wanted to read for the past 10 years
and never found the time.
- Don't buy the shoes, don't buy the purse,
you don't need it.
You really don't need it.
Be more aware of where your money is going
and get a financial adviser.
But it's important to put one foot in front of the other
and know that everything's going to be okay.
You have to have faith.
If you don't see the staircase, take that first step.
You'll be there, you'll get there,
it'll be okay.
It's terrifying but you'll get there.
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How to prepare financially after divorce | TIAA - Duration: 4:35.
- When it became apparent to me
that my marriage was, you know,
kind of on life support and likely going to be ending,
I thought about finances a ton.
Can I pull this off?
Am I going to be able to support
myself and my kids just on my own?
I got married really young, I got married at 21.
I didn't know myself very well,
I had not lived much life
and I also didn't know the guy I was marrying that well.
- I ended up starting a career in magazine publishing.
I worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly,
and Men's Journal for ten years.
I was commuting three hours a day door-to-door
and I was the breadwinner.
It was excellent until we had our son.
When he was eight months old
we decided it would be time for me to stop working
and maybe find something closer to home
and spend some time with the kids.
- I went from zero to four kids in four years.
So in the years after building our family,
I think I was just consumed with motherhood.
- We had what I thought was a great relationship.
We never fought.
We were always really kind to each other.
I was totally shocked.
- I never in a million years thought I'd be sitting here
as a mom of four, divorced.
- The number one thing that I hear people say is
I wish I'd come in here sooner to have this conversation
because I don't feel like
I made the best decision for myself.
- My husband and I rarely talked about finances
because it was never an issue to worry about.
At this point, I don't even know
what bills are paid out every month.
And that to me is so eye-opening
because how could I not know
what we were paying for electric
or for gas or for taxes and things like that
but I literally had no clue.
- I regret that I didn't have more ownership.
I regret that I wasn't paying attention.
You never know if you're going to be married forever
and I lived financially as if I would be.
- As you're thinking about your financial future,
you want to make sure that you're building
a good team for yourself.
- I didn't seek out any help
and in retrospect, I wish I had.
For someone to guide me, to say,
here's what you should do in life,
regardless of whether you're married or not,
here's how to protect yourself.
- If I had a friend in my position
or who I thought may be headed for divorce,
I would say, take an active role.
Ask questions if you're not involved.
Ask your husband or your partner,
What are we doing every month?
What do we spend every month?
I should have been submitting money to a 401(K),
I should have been saving,
I should have planned better for the future.
- I had to be really savvy in preparing
and then figuring out what I was going to do moving forward
and I feel really fortunate that I took the time
before I had my kids to have a degree
to have a career that I could fall back into.
Because here's the thing -
you don't want to be planning all of that stuff
in the midst of that life upheaval and a crisis.
You want to plan that stuff when things are okay.
And then, if the bottom falls out, you have a path.
- No woman should ever feel afraid
of achieving financial independence.
I'm looking forward to kind of crossing the threshold.
It's scary right now on this side of it,
but I think once I pull the pin,
and I start taking over the finances on my own,
it won't be as scary any more.
- You know, through the divorce,
it forced me to learn about my own business.
It has had me looking at my own future
and how I'm saving for retirement.
I know that I can do it on my own.
I know I can support myself.
I know that I can take care
of four kids competently as a single mom.
I know I can do it, I'm doing it.
- There's no reason why a woman can't emerge
from this situation stronger and more confident.
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Divorce help: Building a support network | TIAA - Duration: 2:02.
- If I had that financial advisor,
I 100% would have saved money.
You're bleeding.
You're bleeding out, and you're paying everyone,
and they would've said no, no, no.
We need to stop.
I spent $150,000 in attorneys fees,
and that's insane.
The cost, it builds,
and if it gets dragged on
for years like ours did, it adds up.
- It's important to have a financial advisor primarily
to help assess the situation.
A financial advisor who somebody trusts can be truly
a partner in the divorce process.
The top three things I would recommend
to any woman who is considering divorce is:
One, to build a team of professionals.
Two, to assess her current financial situation
and that of her household. And three, to find a network
of others who have been through a similar situation.
- Once I knew I was headed towards divorce,
I did seek out some counsel.
I did a lot of online researching.
I did meet with a financial planner.
I met with my tax guy,
just trying to figure out what the best course
of action was.
I don't know how I would have done the last couple years
without the support of my girlfriends.
I really don't.
I have a group of just absolute trusted, ride or die friends
that I could talk to every single day.
- I'm very grateful that my immediate family is so close
because I'm able to lean on them.
- I really do feel like I was literally carried
by my community, which was a huge blessing.
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How to prepare financially after divorce (short version) - Duration: 0:16.
- When it became apparent to me
that my marriage was kind of on life support
and likely going to be ending,
I thought about finances a ton.
Am I going to be able to support myself
and my kids just on my own?
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Master the division of assets in divorce | TIAA - Duration: 3:11.
- I grew up poor and money always mattered to me
I've never wanted to wind up poor
and I never wanted to see my daughter poor,
so I always thought about money.
And when I saw a large part of our income,
may be walking away,
I started saving our own just in case.
- Having an assessment of the current financial situation
is really important as you go into a divorce,
particularly as it relates to splitting assets
and projecting future income needs.
- When he left, I knew exactly where our finances were.
We didn't hire a divorce lawyer
because we went about it very friendly.
We had a divorce mediator
and we already had a list of finances,
all of our assets, all of our debts,
what we agreed on when we walked into her office.
She said it was the easiest divorce
she had ever done.
- It's important to know that retirement assets
like an IRA or a 401(k) are always in one person's name only
and always tied specifically to one social security number.
Oftentimes one spouse will look
at the pure dollar value of an investment
without understanding the benefits
of certain tax implications
and withdraw options from those accounts.
- I had a sense of what our assets were
and I knew they were being handled,
I didn't know whose name they were in.
And they were in my ex's.
And so, in order to shift them to mine,
there's tax penalties
and all kinds of issues there.
The splitting up of our assets
during the divorce process,
I think it went as peaceful as it could be
but it was still really contentious.
- I bought this house because you told me
you were going to love me forever
and if you leave me,
I'm gonna lose this house
and this is the house that my grandfather bought in 1959,
this is the house my dad was raised in.
I had Christmas dinner in that kitchen
for my entire life and if you leave me,
I'm gonna lose this house
and you're gonna destroy everything my family's fought for
for 50 years.
And he signed on the dotted line.
- Some of the things looking back,
I've learned that I needed to let go.
If I had let go, I would have been
in a better position.
- While keeping costs low should be a priority,
having a fair and equitable outcome
should be the number one.
- Five years from now
what you're thinking of right now at this moment,
it's gonna be totally different,
so don't fight over the coffee table,
don't fight over the CDs,
it's not going to matter.
Everything that you do it's gotta be for your kiddo.
- When I walked away from my divorce,
I walked away in one piece because I had help.
My mediator helped me,
I was fair, I was transparent with my ex,
I gave him no reason to fight me
and it made a big difference.
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Master the division of assets in divorce (short video) - Duration: 0:16.
- I've never wanted to wind up poor
and I never wanted to see my daughter poor
so I always thought about money
and when I saw a large part of our income
may be walking away,
I started saving our own just in case.
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