Hey guys, and welcome to my channel. I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of this new apartment
so let me know if you prefer the shot that we had in the New Year's video or in here.
A couple weeks ago, I posted on Twitter and Facebook:
for anyone who wants to reach out to me... who is struggling with anxiety and panic attacks
if they're willing to answer a few questions.
And I... I honestly assumed that there were gonna be 3 people reaching out to me... and it ended up being 20.
Beyond words, I'm just so so grateful for all of you who helped me answer all these things,
who shared some really personal stories that got me bawling in the middle of the night.
I know that it's hard to talk about what you're going through, so thank you. Thank you so much.
Let's get to it.
I looked through a bunch of definitions in different dictionaries, and different websites, and things like that
and I think one of the most comprehensive one is the one from merriam-webster,
which says:
That's a mouthful, so we're gonna break it down line per line.
That is basically the stem of anxiety.
It's this feeling of worry and fear combined and muddled together into this little ball that's just always there.
And because you feel this way, your body kind of reacts as if there's a threat that's going to come.
The psychological term for things that make us stress it's called stressors.
Sometimes these stressors exist in real life, which is why we feel anxious.
But other times there are no stressors.
But we just can't help feeling like something's wrong, or something is going to go wrong,
or that something bad is kind of looming in the distance.
Like, you're trying to prepare for a threat that you don't know or don't understand.
The catch is... the threat is not real.
That's why it's called a mental illness. And that's why it's referred to as a disorder.
When I went to see a psychologist, she kind of broke it down into this chart of how people experience stress.
So, for example, if we see over here... we have what we can say "the normal way" people perceive stress.
So when something bad happens in their life, their stress level kind of increases.
And then it decreases back to normal.
But when you're someone who struggles with anxiety,
your "normal" is on a higher stress level than it is for other people.
That's why we become irritable.
That's why we struggle with little things that other people are usually okay with.
Some of the people that I asked, have described it as;
"an almost constant low-level worry" or
"that everything bad that could happen is magnified to an extreme degree"
"an overwhelming nagging self-doubt" or
"the feeling that things are out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it."
Which basically sums up beautifully the definition that we were talking about.
The next part is sensation.
I really like this quote that Brianna has stated, and it says "it feels like somebody is sitting on my chest."
That is basically the gist of it. It kind of feels like your airway is always tight
and you're just so tense all the time.
I can't describe to you how many times I don't even realize that my shoulders have been like crunched up.
and then someone would be like "lower your shoulders."
It can involve chest pains-- which is one that I experience a lot--
stomach ache, weak legs, dizziness, feeling tired, high-strung, always on edge, insomnia
hard to focus, fidgeting, and irritability. This can range really really differently for everyone.
Some people have all of these. Some people have only two or three.
Some people experience it every day and very very intensely,
and other people don't. It just depends on the situation.
What are we-- what are we afraid of, really, if not everything.
The most general answers that I've collected are: school or university is a really really big one or work.
Basically, the feeling of incompetence. Failure is also a big one.
Unidentified pain or physical discomfort, losing control or not knowing what will happen.
AH... the great unknown. Rejection. This is a huge one as well.
Rejection from romantic potential partners, rejection from a partner that you're already with,
or being left behind, being abandoned.
It can also be rejection from strangers like being in social situations and experiencing, you know,
laughter or mockery, or negative impressions from other people or receiving judgment.
One of my "big fears" is to waste my time.
Which sounds really really vague, but that's always what I'm kind of thinking about
when I am doing something, or when I'm spending time with someone
(not with someone that I particularly enjoy) but it's sort of like...
"is this person worth investing time in? is this task worth investing time in?"
Because when I'm doing one task, I'm not always fully there.
Sometimes I'm like: "oh, should I just be doing this task instead?"
Then I move there and then I'm like: "oh, no I should have moved back to that task."
You're just like a hopping struggling bunny who just can't seem to focus.
Amy has also provided us with this lovely quote, which is that:
"it's just an emotion without a particular focus.
like waking up in a bad mood, but not really knowing what you're cranky about."
That is so true. I cannot even.
There are also stressors, like, real life or tangible things that does increase our anxiety.
The highest one that is mentioned is social gatherings.
And I know this sounds really messed up, but I'm so so relieved.
When I am not really good with being in a big crowd, I feel like there's something wrong with me.
Because everyone seems to be enjoying themselves and everyone's really good at it.
While I'm just there, like, DYING.
The first thing I do when I go into a room with a lot of people is just note the escape routes.
I'm like: "I can go there to be alone, that's the door, that's the toilet. Let's do this."
Social gatherings, concerts, large events that are over-stimulating, loud noises, and small talk.
Driving and traffic is also another big one.
Deadlines. Deadlines deadlines deadlines.
The current political climate-- that is a really interesting one because
He Who Must Not Be Named has made life so hard for so many of us.
Including us with anxiety, because sometimes you want to chill out,
you open Twitter BAM, he's done something that you're just like...
"oh my god. I-- I don't want to get out of bed."
Some more specific ones is "when a lot of little things pile up in the background,"
"feeling trapped in any way,"
"men hovering too close to my personal space or touching me without permission."
Oh dear God, do we want to open that can of worms?
I'm gonna need another video to talk about that.
"So many people are dealing with anxiety and you wouldn't know."
True. I was very very surprised with some of the responses that I got.
Some of the people that sent it to me... I feel like they have their life so together, you know?
When I see them I'm like: "oh my god, this person so cool. I really want to be them."
They're so great with people and they have such a presence, and you never would have guessed
that they're struggling with this as well.
Another one is: "anxiety is more than just feeling nervous about something."
I cannot tell you how annoying it is when you tell someone you are struggling with anxiety,
and then they say: "oh, I get nervous too! like all time."
"Every time I want to present to class, I just-- like-- butterflies in my stomach, am I right?"
No. You're not right. But thanks for trying, though.
"That it's inconsistent. A situation that provokes anxiety in one instance,
may cause you no trouble in the other."
Hey, behold the magic of anxiety: it pops up whenever it wants, wherever it wants, with whoever it wants.
Sometimes people would say things like:
"how can you be anxious when you just blah blah blah?"
Like accomplish something good, or when something good has just happened to you.
Even if you just married the love of your life.
Even if you just skydived from blah blah blah feet, which has been your goal since you were a little kid.
It doesn't guarantee that right after that, or the week after that, or the month after that...
you're never gonna be anxious ever again.
Like... accomplishments doesn't cure your anxiety.
"There's very little logic to it. It's not something you can just bootstrap out of."
"I'm tired after an anxious morning. I'm tired after a panic attack. I nap a lot."
This one's very very honest. I'm nap a lot too, girl. I feel ya.
Because when your body is in such a state of alertness all the time,
it wears down really really quickly.
That's why even though we're high-strung and on edge... we're also really tired.
I can just feel people who have never heard anything about anxiety before going like:
"what is this?? what is this madness???"
The big answer is yes. And this involves not being able to leave the house
cancelling on people last minute, having to leave work or not come to work,
this person says: "in periods of high stress, I cannot sleep at all no matter how tired I get.
I can't really give you any super professional advice,
but I can say that if the days that you feel debilitated outweighs the day where you feel ok...
that's a good alarm bell for you to maybe consider seeking professional help.
And on that note, therapy and seeking professional help is not something that you should feel ashamed about.
It's just this giant, ugly-ass stigma that says:
"if you go to therapy, you're a lunatic and you just can't deal with your own problems."
This quote is really relevant, and that's: "therapists can be wonderful WHEN you find the right match."
That's sort of the caveat.
I had to go to two different psychologists before I found the one that I worked with.
I think generally that's pretty lucky,
because I've heard all these stories about people who have just gone to like eight nine different people.
But when you do find the right match, it is worth it.
They will help you in a way that helps you understand yourself,
and helps you not feel so incompetent (if that's the right word) and not feel so alone.
Day to day tips that people have offered.
The biggest one, surprisingly, is watching movies.
I don't know why I said surprising, it's actually not surprising at all.
Because you are taking your mind off of the things that you're worried about.
Like, you're giving it something to feed on and something to enjoy,
and something to overanalyze-- if you're like me.
Another thing is being kind to yourself. That's really really important,
especially when you're having one of those really really rough days.
One question that I always ask myself when I'm feeling a bad day is:
"is there anything you can do right now that can make you feel better?"
It could be something simple like: "I want to wear socks."
I put on socks and like: "okay... what else can you do?"
"I want to drink hot chocolate." So I make myself a mug of hot chocolate.
"I want to watch this movie," and things like that.
So you're kind of progressing yourself one little step at a time, to feel just a little bit better.
"Hanging out with your friends. Hot baths." YES.
"Peaceful music. Watching something with a steady speech pattern like cooking shows."
I've actually never tried that.
"Cut non-supportive people out of your life, which might cause some anxiety to start with, but this is crucial.
Anyone who doesn't get that this can be debilitating and horrific needs to get the F out of my life."
YAS GIRL. Preach it.
"Understand what makes you anxious, and put some safeguards in place".
That also is a really strategic and smart move.
If you know that it's quite hard for you to be in social situations alone,
then maybe take someone with you. Tell someone:
"hey, I'm going to this event I'm feeling a little bit iffy about it, but I really want to go."
Knock on wood. If something bad happens and you feel too overwhelmed,
then you can give them a ring or send them a text... and they'll just be, you know, there to support you.
Next one is "meditation."
Another advice that I would give, is to say "you're okay."
If I'm feeling super super overwhelmed by, you know,
the amount of people that I have to interact with and things like that...
then I just say to myself like: "you're fine. This is fine. It's okay. It's fine."
And if there are people there they will kind of look at you like you're weird,
but it works-- it works for me.
So in the off- chance it'll work for you too, then you know, might as well share it.
The general agreement that I've received is that... yes, it's important to tell people.
But-- and this is a very very strong but--
only tell people that you know will be supportive of you.
Because telling someone that you're kind of on the fence about,
or telling someone just because you feel pressured to has a high likelihood of having it backfire.
And when it backfires, it sucks.
Oh boy, the list goes on and on.
My personal favorite is "don't be anxious." It's like, you're telling them:
"hey I'm feeling really anxious."
"oh sweetie, don't be anxious. why are you anxious? don't be anxious. there's nothing to be anxious about."
Thanks. Totally solves all my problems. Thanks a lot.
So if these are the things that we collectively feel are not nice to say...
What do you do?
The best reaction that you can have when you have absolutely no idea what to do...
is to listen.
Just sit there. Zip it. Be quiet. And let them dump everything on you.
And listening consists of you actually being present.
Don't play with your phone. Don't stare around and not actually pay attention to them.
And don't fall asleep.
Listen. Be there. Like, be present. Try to appreciate that this person is opening up
with something they're struggling so bad, and they've chosen YOU to open up to.
That's a big thing.
And when you listen, try your best to understand.
You don't have to understand the whole thing. You don't have to understand exactly how they're feeling--
because chances are you probably won't, and that's okay.
But believe them. You know, when you say things like: "just calm down" or "you're just being overdramatic."
That's you invalidating what they're saying,
and saying: "I don't believe you. This is not real. I don't want to deal with it"
And it just isolates this person even even more, because now they're thinking:
"okay, maybe I shouldn't tell anyone about this." And that's not good.
Like, we don't want that. We don't want someone feeling completely lost and alone when they're struggling with this.
The next step is to comfort them at that moment.
These are one of those times when you really really need to use your instinct on what to say and what to do.
Because what works for some people, doesn't for other people.
But I'm guessing you know your friend or your family member who's struggling way more than I do.
If you've succeeded that-- 40% of people we tell don't even make it to that stage---
If you want to be a super special star that we're gonna love forever and ever...
Then assure them. Assurance and support is super important.
And the best way that you can do is saying: "what can I do?"
If you don't know what to do... ask. "What can I do? What can I do for you right now?"
"What can I do if you're feeling anxious in the future? Is there anything I can do at all?"
Offer yourself and offer your time-- if you want to and you can.
Another one that I really like is: "you can rely on me."
I love that. That's so simple, but hearing that come out of someone's mouth just means the world.
"Assure this person that you won't leave, and that our issues are not a burden."
And the best way to do it is I guess... by not leaving.
A good rule of thumb is:
That is... the perfect way to end this video.
If you know that your friend is scared of spiders,
you wouldn't take them to a house full of spiders. You wouldn't ask them:
"why don't you like this picture of a spider?"
You know what I mean? It's like... you wouldn't shove it in front of their faces.
But at the same time, if someone's like crying or someone's angry or whatever,
you wouldn't just assume: "oh my god, is this because there's a spider there?"
"it's because there's a spider there, isn't it?"
It's kind of the same with anxiety, you know. That's a good, gracious area to be in.
Use this metaphor, people. This is a beautiful, wonderful metaphor.
Some resources that I would recommend is Beyond Blue.
Out of all the websites that offer information, this one seems to be the most comprehensive.
Another thing that I would also recommend-- if I haven't mentioned it enough in my channel--
is the Headspace app.
I know it's quite pricey but it's really really helpful, I think, for me.
Try the 10-day basics one. And they also have this package called SOS.
So if you're feeling super super super anxious,
you can just go into like a two-minute one-minute breathing technique thing.
See if that's helpful... hopefully it is.
And that's pretty much it! if you have any questions you can feel free to list them down below in the comments.
And if you're someone who is struggling with this but doesn't really know who to talk to,
then I will put my Twitter handle on here.
My direct message is always open if you want to have a chat.
If you want to just talk about random things like pizza and dogs, then you know... that's cool too.
Again, thank you so much for everyone who answered my long-ass questionnaire in such short notice.
This is gonna sound so cheesy, I'm so sorry,
but the day that I launched that questionnaire was one day exactly after I had a very intense panic attack.
That entire day, I was just sleeping and crying.
I ate a piece of toast and that was it because I couldn't digest anything else beyond that.
That's the day that you guys reached out to me and just...
it was just... reading all of your stories made me feel
like I'm not alone... you know?
Ughhhhh cue the 'You Will Be Found' - Dear Evan Hansen song, and let's all just cry together.
For everyone else, I hope that you learned something.
I hope that this was useful in any way.
Don't forget to share it. Don't forget to press like. Don't forget to subscribe.
And I will see you tomorrow for our last video of January.
Be kind. Be happy. BeYOUtiful. And bye.
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